I was raised in a tumultuous and addiction-filled home. I had to grow up fast. At the age of eight I experienced a significant trauma that led me to become an adult, repressing my child-self early. But, I was also known as the goof- the clown and performer. Thus, there was a constant tension inside me between the abundant and bursting creativity, and the little adult trying desperately to control the circumstances around her. I learned to repress the creative voice. I still channeled it into creative endeavors, but my truest self was as small and tight as a knot in a tree, a hard lump stuck in my throat. As I got older, this knot in my body manifested as deep anxiety, substance abuse, depression, and suicidal ideation.

I took jobs I hated. On the outside they looked great- but each job was still another set of constraints. It’s funny how life imitates art, and vise versa. My personal life was a mess as well- I convinced myself that I had to be small (both physically in weight and emotionally), practical, and give to romantic partners. The more I could contain, constrain, restrict and give endlessly, the “better” I would be, the more I might fit into this world I found so desperately suffocating 

The funny thing about physics, is it never fails. Like a dying star, I had become so dense, knotted, small and tight that something had to give. I would either collapse, or explode. As I am still here speaking to you today, one can surmise that I exploded.

Over the course of 4 years, I proceeded to systematically dismantle and explode my life. I quit every job I took, I left all of my friends, I nearly ended my marriage, I moved my family across the country (quite literally, as far as you can get without crossing an ocean), and I broke down into the deepest depression I have ever experienced. All of this was my deep knot, pleading for freedom.

This story isn’t a neat package, nor one of linear movement. I discovered burlesque, stripping, and dance in my early twenties, but the true impact of this beautiful art form didn’t take hold until 2020….cue pandemic. 

At first the silence and lack was deafening. All of these structures I had previously depended on to stay small and practical disappeared. But eventually as the noise quieted, I could hear only one thing- me. My own voice, and that knot within calling to be seen and heard. Without the structures, I suddenly was just left with myself in the quiet. I could listen, I could give to myself, instead of to others. Most importantly, I could dance everyday. When I dance I hear my heart speak. 

I got real with myself. I asked myself what I wanted. What made me feel free, because ultimately that is what we all want. I got clear on my values, my hang ups, my trauma. I forgave myself and forgave others. I danced. I wrote, I made bad art, I danced more, and I acted wildly. I ate meals on the floor, I screamed at the top of my lungs, I cried, and I sang. 

With each act, a little bit of the muck cleared away, and I could feel the knot loosen. Eventually, slowly, I was able to access this knot, hold it gently, and brush off the dirt from her. I saw her for what she was, not a knot, but rather a pearl. And that pearl? It was me. It was my child-self, she had become so buried she was unrecognizable, but clearing away the debris allowed me to see that she was there, whole and calling to me. She reminded me about trust. I can trust myself. My life and body are meant for something bigger.

I am meant to be massive. I am meant to be expansive, not meek and small. I don't need to white knuckle my life, I can let go and find ease. I am meant to revel in this holy body I live in.